My husband confessed a dark secret to me in April 2016. One I was not ready to put into black and white until now. The following is my journal entry that day.
It is too raw. I want to be angry. I want to scream at him, at God, whomever. But all I can do is cry and feel empty. I’m grieving the marriage I wanted. A marriage where we are one. Where he loves me completely as his wife and I love him completely as my husband. But how can he love me when he has these other feelings? And how can I love him completely when there is a part of him I don’t want to acknowledge? I was struggling to love him before he shared his story with me. How can I love him more when I didn’t feel love for him to begin with? Do I love him? What does love really mean?
God, I don’t want this! I want to start again! I don’t want to be strong enough to handle this! I don’t want this test!
The world would say leave him. The world would say I have a right to be angry and hurt and to withhold my love for him. The world would say I have a right to grieve. But what does God say? God says to love. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I put childish ways behind me – ranting, temper tantrums, self-absorbed news. I became a woman. I know God’s way. I know the fruits of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
On January 9 I wrote the following
I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand and say to you, “Do not fear, I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13
From Beth Moore’s Breaking Free…It’s okay with God for you to be scared to death. He recognizes our fears and our insecurities. I feel like the Spirit of God sometimes says to me, “You know, Beth, I understand that you’re not very happy about this. I understand that you may be crying over this. Cry, shake, whatever—but do My will, child. Do My will. I have victory for you.” So even though you may be afraid about many things, don’t be afraid to allow God to do His work in you, looking into the deepest part of your heart and releasing freedom in your life, teaching you how to live in victory.
If ever I had a moment of prophecy it was in pasting that into my journal. Whatever I was going through in that moment pales in comparison to today’s news.
What am I afraid of in this? I’m afraid of the pain this healing process will require. I’m afraid of the persecution we may face in the future – not for our faith but for my husband’s sin.
Would the anxiety and depression be easier to deal with? I don’t think so. We may avoid persecution but we wouldn’t be together. Together. If I didn’t love him, would I care? I wish I felt love. I wish I knew how to feel love. Is my sadness for me or for him? If I’m sad because he has this burden, then wouldn’t that be love.
Today’s Breaking Free says “I believe Christ still grieves when he sees hearts in turmoil”. Doesn’t he grieve out of love for us? Am I not grieving for my husband because I love him? The full excerpt is this:
In all their suffering, He suffered, and the Angel of His Presence saved them. Isaiah 63:9
I believe Christ still grieves when He sees hearts in unnecessary turmoil. He desperately wants His people to experience His peace. When we allow the Prince of Peace to govern our lives, peace either immediately or ultimately results. Peace accompanies authority. You may not ever feel like giving your circumstance, loss, or hurt over to Him, but you can choose to submit to His authority out of belief and obedience rather than emotion. Obedience is always the mark of authentic surrender to God’s authority.
Feelings aren’t necessarily the source of our actions. I don’t feel like turning this over to God and that’s ok. What God asks me to do is to choose to submit to Him and obey. He doesn’t say it will be easy. He does say He will be with us and the Holy Spirit will guide and protect us.
I trust God. I am good at stepping out in faith. I have seen it as a virtue in the past. I need to step out in faith now. God will turn this mass of dirt and stone dug from the ground into a beautiful gem. I have been praying for 3 months for God to remove my husband’s anxiety and depression. I have been praying that he would be free from that pain. God is answering my prayers. I cannot turn my back on God or my husband now. What God wants to do, I need to trust and obey.
Psalm 50:15 call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you and you shall glorify me
God knows my heart. He knows my desires. Who says he cannot give me the desires of my heart? Perhaps this path will lead to those desires or other goodness I cannot begin to imagine.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go Joshua 1:9
I believe God is asking me to walk with my husband through this and help him stay focused on God. My obedience can be a reflection for my husband. And his obedience a reflection for me.